


Under Calico Skies

by Coneycat



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-28
Updated: 2017-04-28
Packaged: 2018-10-25 01:48:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10754202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coneycat/pseuds/Coneycat
Summary: I've been meaning to move a couple of old stories over here from LiveJournal, and today is the day!From a now-deleted prompt onNorsekink. (Essentially, a fix-it fic for the forced breeding fills that were really popular at one point-- I made the mistake of reading one of them and couldn't sleep for the rest of the night. Someone else had the same experience and made this prompt, which I was glad to fill to clear my head. The title sourcecan be found here.)Once again, this story features a very unfriendly view of Thor. Sorry, Thor. I don't really think you're a monster, I just got really carried away with the prompt. And to be honest, I was kind of pleased with how the story turned out.On the other hand it's also one of the very few Loki/Pepper fics I have ever seen, if you're into that sort of thing. And it may be the only story I've ever seen which features Loki doing stop-motion animation with plasticine!





	Under Calico Skies

The child is a boy, and he is perfect. 

Loki weeps, and all of Asgard believes the tears are of joy. They are, in a way, but not for the reason Thor assumes, or Odin, or Frigga. 

The child is a boy, and he is perfect, and Loki's sentence has been served. 

He remains in the birthing rooms for three days, until his strength returns, and in that time never once asks to see his son. Thor demands to see Loki, but the sentence is fulfilled and Loki is no longer Thor's to command. By the end of the third day, all Asgard knows something is wrong. 

On the morning of the fourth day, Loki goes to the Allfather and demands his freedom. He words it more prettily, bends his knee in his final act of submission, but demand it is and both of them know it. Loki looks his false father in the eye, for the first and last time in his life, and does not allow himself to remember how much, once, he wanted the old man to love him. 

"If you leave, you may never return," Odin says, as if this is a threat. Loki inclines his head and compresses his lips. "You will never see your child again."

"I will be satisfied to know he is being raised in the… loving care… I know so well," Loki replies, and there is blood in his mouth as he speaks.

Odin chooses not to recognize the truth for what it is. 

"Your magic will not be restored to you," he says, and waits for Loki's protest, because that is breaking the agreement, that is dishonesty and bad faith. Loki says nothing, for he expected no less, the God of Lies learned his falsehoods somewhere and here he kneels at their source. "You cannot be trusted with such power," Odin says, finally, although Loki has not forced the words from him as expected. 

_And you cannot be trusted at all,_ Loki reminds himself, bows again, and takes his leave. 

Thor, of course, cannot let this stand, cannot let well alone, bursts into Loki's chambers as though he still has the right, followed by the wet nurse holding their child. 

"Will you leave without ever seeing him?" the thunderer… thunders, but it is suddenly a weak uncertain thing beneath the bluster. 

Loki does not tell Thor he has seen the babe already, held him once and kissed his little red face, still covered in blood and slime, and gave him up. At four days old he already begins to look like a person, like Thor, and that is a mercy, might gain him mercy, here within this merciless court. 

The nurse, at Thor's command, presses the child into Loki's arms, and he is unable to rebuff her in her reluctance and her shame. He holds the tiny bundle, son of Asgard and of Jotunheim, bound to a destiny his reluctant parent was unable to fulfill. 

"Is he not beautiful?" Thor prompts, and Loki smiles at the child, then looks up, the smile now only teeth, and the nurse takes the baby away with fear in her clasp. 

"Indeed he is," Loki replies softly, his voice like snowfall. "He looks like you, and you should take him away before I learn to hate him as savagely as I have learned to hate you."

"Loki," Thor says, and reaches toward him, looking genuinely puzzled and grieved when Loki recoils. 

"My sentence is fulfilled, and you are no longer my master, to do with me as you will, nor is my body yours to make use of without my permission. Do not touch me," Loki warns, as if he still had power, as if he still had magic, any means to defend himself. 

Thor only looks hurt and puzzled, and it begins to dawn on Loki that perhaps he really thought, all this time, that no harm was being done, all these long years of taking and forcing and treating Loki as… as a vessel, to be filled, to be made to contain whatever Thor wished, as if there was nothing within him that might be valued, that might be hurt or should be protected from being displaced. It is almost enough to make him laugh, were Loki not so close to weeping. 

"I love you," Thor says, as if that makes everything all right, as if he knew the meaning of such words. And there was a time, not even so long ago really, when it would have made things better, would have given Loki peace, would have, perhaps, warded off the disastrous choices that ended with him suffering this appalling, endless punishment. 

"And I loved you," Loki replies, for there is not the kindness within him to lie. It would be kindness to tell Thor he was loved yet, that it was not all crushed and killed and mutilated in the terrible years of his sentence. It would be kindness to tell Thor he was never loved at all, that his yearning little brother was a farce all these years. 

Loki has not the mercy to lie anymore, and so he tells the truth:

"I loved you when you were my brother, even while committing my crimes, loved you and wished to be loved in return as your brother. As your concubine, your plaything, your slave? All love is extinguished. No, not quite all, for I find I have enough love for that child, to leave him before he finds how bitter it is, to have a parent who cannot bear to look at him, cannot see his face without remembering what was done to create him. Do not touch me, and do not try to stop me. The agreement forced upon me was an heir for my freedom, and the agreement is met."

The look on his face actually makes Thor step back-- the nurse is already in retreat-- and Loki stalks out of the chambers that still reek of his shame, and begins the long walk to the Bifrost to tell Heimdall he will depart. 

****

The only option open to him is Midgard. It is ironic, really, considering how his actions there doomed him, but on any other realm, forsaken and powerless, he would immediately fall prey to anyone with a grudge against him or his former family. Loki is aware that he earned his punishment, accepts there are others in the Nine Realms who would add their part, but his suffering has been comprehensive and he feels that, as long as he does no further harm, it is within his rights to ask to be left in peace. 

The idea of being killed or imprisoned for past misdeeds of his own is bad enough. The thought of being captured as a son of Odin, or by someone with a grudge against Thor, is really too much to be borne, to be made to suffer as punishment to beings who do not care that he exists an irony beyond consideration. 

And so Midgard it is, the unthinking, unknowing, inward-looking realm that will accept any fugitive from another world without ever believing the other world exists. It is infantile and touching, in a way, although it leaves them so vulnerable. 

Loki feels rather vulnerable himself at the moment, and the idea of striking back, of causing harm, is never allowed to take root. Heimdall has agreed to turn his eyes from Loki and so, as long as Loki does nothing to draw the Guardian's attention, he may be left alone. 

There was a time when Loki would have seen that as a challenge, but Loki is wiser now. It is perhaps ironic that he now wishes for the peace Odin used to bleat about, for peace at any price, even, but he does not allow himself to think of that. He lands in a part of Midgard called California, suitably distant from the activities of the Avengers, a place whose warm climate suits him better than one would think his Jotun heritage could abide, and he tries to avoid notice.

Existing on Midgard as a powerless mortal is more difficult than Loki would have admitted, but he still has his gift of persuasion, and is able to coax a coffee shop owner into giving him a job. The shop is a few doors away from a small studio where a group of attractively cheerful mortals make something called "animated films," and after a few weeks of serving them coffee and cultivating their acquaintance-- because Loki knows he needs allies now, more than ever, and besides he is crushingly lonely-- after a few weeks of this, the mortals invite him to come to an open house, to see what it is they do. 

What they do, it turns out, is create little creatures of a colourful substance called plasticine, and photograph them in gradually changing postures to create, in the end, an astonishingly lifelike film of the creatures moving and living their little lives. 

It is the closest thing to magic Loki has been near since he was returned to Asgard. 

It is part of the open house to allow the guests to create plasticine characters of their own, and Loki, it develops, has a certain flair for doing so, in addition to his persuasive tongue. Before very long the coffee shop job is a part-time matter and he spends much of his time working with these new… friends… on an ambitious project, animating something called the "Just-So Stories" for a public television network. 

It is labour-intensive work, calling for long hours and many resources including, Loki supposes, a great deal of plasticine, so there is general rejoicing when the lead animator, as they call him, announces that a sponsor has been secured, someone who will help defray the expenses of light and electricity and all the hands that make all the creatures. Loki, whose continuing employment has been a matter of doubt for some time, is as happy as anyone when the announcement is made. 

He is less happy, indeed the words "shocked" and "dismayed" are probably more appropriate, when the sponsor arrives to be shown around, and Loki recognizes Tony Stark. 

It has been some time since the two laid eyes on each other, a matter of five or six years of Midgardian time since Loki returned to Asgard in his enchanted chains. It seems like much longer to Loki, but apparently is not time enough for Tony Stark to forget what Thor's evil younger brother looks like. 

He says nothing in front of the others, and Loki is grateful for that, but hunts Loki down after the presentation and demands to know what he is "up to." 

Nothing, says Loki, nothing at all, and there is a ring of truth, or perhaps desperation, in his words, because Stark stops in what appears to be the act of calling for the Avengers, actually listens to Loki's protests that he means no harm, none at all, has no wish for trouble or further punishment. 

"All right," says Stark, "I'll make you a deal, you behave yourself and I won't mention where you are to your brother." And Loki is grateful, pathetically so, does not even argue the appellation "brother" because to do so might cause the reason for his objection to slip out.

"On one condition," Stark adds, and of course there is, there is always a condition. Loki waits for the blow to fall, but Stark merely explains that he wishes to "keep tabs" on Loki, and will therefore send his trusted assistant, one Pepper Potts, so make regular visits to the studio. She will, officially, be "keeping track" of the investment. In reality, she is to spy upon Loki. 

He does not allow himself to be offended, because he cannot afford offense; he knew when he left Asgard that his "freedom" was conditional, true freedom always a thing that happened to other people. He would hate Pepper Potts in advance, on general principles, if it were not so utterly vital that he make _her_ like _him_. In his situation, under his circumstances, there is nothing else he can do to defend himself, and so he prepares to swallow his revulsion and make himself agreeable. He has always been a dissembler, and in the past few years has become a true master at it, not showing distaste or discomfort or hatred or any kind of pain, not ever. He knows he can make himself seem affable to Tony Stark's spy. He cannot protect himself any other way, he has to make friends with her.

He has this idea firmly in mind, concentrates on it with all he is. 

It is, therefore, something of a shock when he meets Pepper Potts and finds he likes her immediately. Everyone does, the entire staff of the studio, but Loki especially finds himself drawn to her warmth, her serenity, her obvious quiet delight in the creatures of plasticine, and the little spray of freckles that dance across her nose. 

She knows, of course, that she is there to watch him, and he supposes she therefore believes he is up to no good, and that she must be on her guard. That should put him off, should make him distant, if he had any pride it would, but for some reason it does not, he finds himself wanting very much for her to genuinely like him, and so he makes an effort, as he did when he first tried to befriend his coworkers in the animation studio. Once again, it is not so much that he wants something she can give him, but that he is still terribly lonely, and there is something about Pepper he wishes to draw near, the outcast in him wishing to be allowed to creep closer to the fireside. 

It might be the little plasticine model he makes for her that does it, perhaps she finally decides no one who renders your tiny portrait in bright-coloured clay could possibly mean you any harm, because at length she agrees to see him outside the studio, to go for coffee, to go to a movie-- an animated picture, so they have the excuse of research into the form-- to go for a long aimless walk afterward on a boardwalk by the ocean, listening to the sound of the surf beneath their feet. She tells him about her position at Stark Industries, where she appears to be not so much Stark's assistant as his proxy when Stark himself is on the other side of the country. He tells her, a little, about Asgard, about his release--though not his punishment-- about his genuine plans to live a blameless life and not draw attention to himself or commit any harm. And then he returns to the subject of stop-motion animation, and she smiles kindly and lets him do so. 

This kind of thing has happened a number of times, the movies not always even animated anymore, the walk down the boardwalk occasionally accompanied by ice cream, when one day Pepper walks into the studio saying hello to everyone, her smile bright, and Loki looks up, and suddenly the feeling he has when he looks at her has a name, and he realizes he is in love with her. 

This is more of a shock to him than it should be, although of course it is probably the first time he has ever loved anyone who seemed to have any feelings at all for him in return. It is also the first time he has ever felt the kind of love mortals would call "romantic," which is not really a surprise considering the fact that, despite outward appearances, he only recently reached sexual maturity. Before that time, that sort of love was a closed book to him, and forcible breeding before and during his first heat cycle has obscured his ability to consider what he might wish for, had he been given any choice in the matter. Mostly he wished to be let alone, or failing that to at least be consulted at some point before his clothing was removed and he was pinned down by a much larger body. 

Having never had the opportunity to consider his own preferences, and having no experience other than that of being taken by the one he once thought of as his brother, he has never considered the possibility he could be sexually attracted to women. His first emotion, when he thinks about it, is relief, since after what happened to him at Thor's hands he will probably never want a man to touch him again at all, let alone carnally. It is all he can do not to flinch when a coworker puts a hand on his shoulder as they lean over a tiny plasticine set, and he is quite capable of feeling the bitterness of, after so many years of yearning to be touched with affection, finding himself among harmless creatures wishing to do so and being completely unable to enjoy it. 

He is not sure what to do about Pepper because, despite her apparent friendship, she is still the employee of Tony Stark and is still responsible to him. He is also not sure what to do about Pepper because, up to this point, his only experience in these matters involved him being told, in fairly general terms, what was going be done to him, and then having to very specifically endure it. Clearly, he is not in such a position with reference to Pepper, either on the receiving or dealing-out ends. The fact everything within him revolts at the second idea is, he considers, a hopeful sign for him: surely the fact he so vehemently does not wish to do anything to her that she does not agree to, that she does not want, means he is not entirely without redeeming qualities? This is the first time in many years that he has allowed himself to think there might be something worth saving within himself.

It is not wise of him, to resort to alcohol at dinner to loosen his no-longer-silver tongue, because Pepper has surely heard drunken avowals of love before this-- probably from Tony Stark, probably more than once-- but as they are walking toward the taxi stand afterward, Pepper kind and still affectionate and with a friendly arm around him, the thing happens that changes everything. 

A young couple walk by, with a baby in a stroller, and Pepper stops to speak to the parents and admire the baby, admittedly a very beautiful one, his little brown face wreathed in smiles and his tiny hands reaching toward Pepper's reddish-gold ponytail, as if the whole world has been kind to him in the short span of his life, and he expects to find love wherever he goes. 

When Pepper turns back to Loki, she is shocked and upset to find him crying. 

Pepper is too kind to simply put him in a cab and send him home in this condition, so she gets in beside him and gives the driver her own address, and Loki's misery is such that when they arrive at her house he is still weeping, and when she asks him what is wrong he tells her. 

At first she does not completely understand, at first she thinks the child he left in Asgard was his own, was taken from him as part of his banishment, it takes some explaining and a little time for her to comprehend that the child himself embodies the release from Loki's punishment, and what form that punishment took. 

The relief at _telling_ someone what happened to him is so enormous that at first he doesn't realize what he's doing, that he _is_ telling, that he's telling _her_. And then he can't believe he's done it, that he's ruined everything, told her what a repulsive, pathetic creature he is, made himself foul in her sight. The only safety he has ever had lies in hiding, lies in lies, and now he has gone and done this… 

And then her arms are around him and he is actually, literally, crying on her shoulder, and Pepper is making soothing noises, not as if she expects or wants him to stop, but as if she wants him to know that he is not alone. He should feel foolish and ashamed, when his tears finally end, but instead he feels an odd sensation, completely alien in his experience, or at least in his memory:

He feels comforted. 

Pepper lets him wash his face, and then she takes him to her spare bedroom, which is small and cozy with a wonderfully comfortable bed, and he sleeps more soundly than he has in many years, only to awaken to a feeling of apprehension, wondering what on earth he should do about the previous night's confidences, and how Pepper will look at him now. 

She looks at him, it turns out, with a martial glint in her eye, and demands to know what they are going to do about this. "This" apparently being what was done to Loki, which as the decree of the king, there is in fact nothing that _can_ be done. Apparently things work rather differently on Midgard, at least in this part of it, there are rules about what does and does not constitute acceptable punishment for a prisoner. He has trouble explaining to her that things are very different on Asgard. 

Pepper is not willing to accept this, but eventually she does. Loki is grateful to her for the wish to do _something_ , and also for accepting his plea that she drop the matter, aggravating the royal family of Asgard being just about the last thing he wants to do. Since his arrival on Midgard he has gradually become accustomed to having some say in small matters, but this is the first time he can remember being consulted on, and listened to, over a large one. 

There is, naturally, fallout from his confidences. For one thing, having already been told by Tony Stark of the worst Loki has done, Pepper has now also heard the worst of the other side, and believes it, and thinks perhaps fairness demands a hearing. The first Loki knows of this is when Stark himself arrives, to tour the studio and see the progress on "The Elephant's Child" -- Loki is quite especially proud of his own creation, the Bi-Coloured Python Rock-Snake -- and also to have a private word with Loki, about a private word he had with Thor. 

At first, Loki is too terrified to listen to Stark's assurances that the discussion was couched in general terms, that Thor does not know where Loki is or that Stark's interest was anything but academic. Eventually, the panic subsides and Loki realizes Stark is more intelligent than Thor, by a considerable margin, and if Stark says Thor suspected nothing, Stark is probably correct. 

At this point, he is able to take in what Stark has to say about the actual conversation, and Stark still appears shocked at how casually Thor described Loki's sentence-- he does not call it punishment-- and how sincerely confused Thor seems to be about why Loki, having produced the heir demanded of him, was so unwilling to stay in Asgard under the same conditions and bear further children. Stark is not confused at all, in fact he looks rather pale when he speaks of it, and the end result is his assurance that as far as he is concerned Thor will never hear of Loki's whereabouts from Tony Stark's lips. All spying is over. 

And that is, of course, a relief, until Loki stops to remember that Stark's "spy" is Pepper, and he is too afraid to ask whether this means her visits to the studio, and her friendship with him, will also come to an end. 

As it happens, he does not need to worry for long, because the afternoon after Stark's visit, Pepper reappears as though nothing had happened, admiring the Bi-Coloured Python Rock-Snake and the other plasticine creatures and interested to hear about the progress on the film. 

What does change, now that she knows the worst he has done and the worst that has been done to him is, there being little further point in maintaining his guard, Loki allows it to drop almost entirely. The next time he tells Pepper he loves her, he is entirely sober and utterly terrified, but has decided firm rejection is preferable to hopeless wishing. 

Firm rejection is not forthcoming.

It's still pretty terrifying, really, especially for someone who has always been used to being told what was going to happen to him and expected to make the best of it. Even aside from the absolutely mapless terrain that is the heart, it's still quite frightening for him to even be touched, even when he wants to be. It is even more frightening for him to touch _her,_ since the examples he has been given of how men behave under these circumstances have been entirely of what he does _not_ want to do, of how to make someone feel utterly worthless and degraded, and he lives in fear of accidentally or thoughtlessly doing something that will make Pepper feel for even a moment the way he felt all those horrible years under his sentence. 

It's frightening for him in great part because, although he has unfortunately an unusually wide experience of how a body might be put to use for the pleasure of another, he has none whatsoever in how to actually give such pleasure, or to receive it. In those terms, despite the treacherous way his body behaved when he finally came into heat, responding purely physically to touches that repulsed and disgusted him on every other level -- and he thinks he was not the only one dismayed, is quite sure Thor preferred him quiescent and unresponsive and _not really there_ \-- in spite of the way his body responded when he was finally fertile, in terms of reciprocity with a lover it is as if he has never been touched at all, and Pepper is wise and loving enough to behave as if this is the case. 

The experience of being with someone to whom he matters, and who matters so much to him in return, is nothing short of overwhelming. It is a point of continuing grateful bewilderment to him that she seems to find him worth the effort. 

Eventually, he spends so little time at his own small apartment that they decide it makes more sense for him to move into her house. Eventually, he stops waiting for her to announce she is tired of him, that she has changed her mind. Eventually, waking up with their arms around each other-- 

Well, no. It never exactly becomes something he is used to, at least not in the sense of taking it for granted. 

The dog is the next step. Apparently, judging by the reactions of his companions at the animation studio, the dog is a traditional next step. Loki is secretly rather delighted, to be doing something Midgardians consider traditional. He is even more delighted with the dog herself, who begins as a very small puppy. Loki's experience of dogs being limited to the sort of hunting dogs who live in kennels and are unwise to approach, Pepper selects the breed, the golden retriever, and Loki chooses the actual puppy, whose coat is more reddish-gold than that of her brothers and sisters, like Pepper's hair rather than Thor's. It turns out the colour of her coat would not have mattered anyway, not the way her heart shines out of her dark-chocolate eyes. It is hard to imagine that something so small could contain so much love. 

By this time Loki has met Pepper's family, who are the sort of people you would expect to produce someone like Pepper, and they seem, mysteriously, to like him. Loki's antecedents are dealt with by a brief explanation of "growing up in foster care," which is even true, mostly, and discourages any well-intentioned prying. 

They have been together for several years when they decide to take the next, next step. The wedding is small, Loki's side of the chapel entirely occupied by his friends from the studio and the coffee shop. Tony Stark gets very drunk and uses the excuse to deliver a heartfelt speech about Pepper's wonderful qualities, which embarrasses her considerably and of which every word is true. He has a number of very nice things to say about Loki as well, which are of course considerably less truthful, but appreciated nevertheless. 

Some time later there is a discussion, amusing to think upon afterward, of the expectations of Midgardians regarding human physiology: in short, on Midgard, human females are expected to be the ones to bear the children, and this is not a rule worth circumventing if one is at all interested in maintaining a low profile on this realm. 

"You're expected to spoil me," Pepper explains, when Loki asks about his role. "I'll give you hints. You might also want to talk to Dad about it." 

It is actually unnecessary for Loki to ask anyone's advice about the proper behaviour of expectant young fathers, since the moment they reveal the news he is inundated with well-intentioned, and frankly mostly welcome, counsel from everyone he knows. Loki's experience as a parent being brief he does not mention it to anyone, although Tony Stark arrives the night Pepper's friends take her out for the "baby shower" with a bottle of bourbon and a sympathetic shoulder. This, too, is welcome. 

He has begun to dream of the lost child with some frequency by the time he and Pepper visit her physician for the result of some test or another, and Loki first hears the words "Down syndrome." Apparently, this child is a boy as well, but he is not to be perfect. Loki does not allow himself to think about what that would have meant, for the child or for him, if there had been any reversal of offspring between Asgard and here. 

As it is, Pepper takes it as a blow, at first, moreso than Loki who has of course been fearing far worse, up to and including frank monsters. She cries for a few days and then takes refuge in learning as much about the condition as possible. It is not Loki's fault. It is not Pepper's fault, not that he ever considered the possibility. It is simply something that happens sometimes. It is not the end of the world.

It transpires that Pepper's love for the unborn infant is not decreased by this discovery, and in fact when he is born Loki is unable to find him anything but beautiful. Her father's name being Ken, Kenneth is what they call him. Pepper, still pale and tired and with the freckles standing out like pennies across the bridge of her nose, cries as she holds him, but not the same kind of tears Loki shed over his lost child, so long ago. 

The tears Loki sheds over this child are also not the same as those he cried in Asgard. 

Kenneth is different from other babies Loki sees in strollers around the city, but not in any way that calls for dismay or alarm. He is slow in some ways, very aware in others, affectionate and loving and delighted by ridiculous things like being held in his father's arms and danced around the room. He is inclined to spit up when excited, but this seems common to all human babies and the solution-- to wear a towel over one's shoulder when holding him-- is straightforward. Many of the people who approach Loki and Pepper, when they walk out with Kenneth, wish to speak of their own children with the same syndrome. He is not monstrous, or even especially unusual.

He is deeply loved. 

Loki finds himself fascinated by watching Kenneth sleep, his little face relaxed and his tiny hands drawn into tiny fists. He would wonder if his fascination is somehow worrisome, except that Pepper shares it. One day, as they hover over the tiny creature they cannot help but see as miraculous, Pepper asks, 

"What would they have done, if he'd been born there?"

"They" and "there" do not have to be defined. "They" and "there" are always the same people and the same place. 

"He would have been killed," Loki replies, trying to keep his voice quiet, a fingertip very nearly brushing over the baby's little curled fingers. He glances at Pepper and sees her face tighten, but she is not surprised. 

"What would have happened to you?" she asks. 

"I don't know," he admits. "If the first child had been a girl, but otherwise normal, I might have simply been given back to Thor to try again. A child like this, though…. That would have been seen as defiance, a deliberate effort to spite the crown. I probably would have been executed."

He can tell by her expression that Pepper knew what his answer would be before he said it. She merely wished to be sure. 

"Do you miss him?" she asks now. Once again, Loki does not need to ask to whom she refers. 

"Yes," Loki sighs. "Always. Even more, since Kenneth. I wish he could know I love him. I just… I don't think I could ever love him _enough_ , enough to not think of why he was there or how he came to be. Father and Mother never loved me _enough_ to forget what I really was. It's not… not good for a child."

Pepper looks down at Kenneth, frowning in his sleep as if dreaming very serious dreams. "You love him enough."

"Yes. And you, too."

Kenneth is rising four when the twins are born, is old enough to have very serious opinions about names ("Big Bird" and "Snuffy" are, alas, rejected out of hand, though Loki insists Pepper give fair consideration to "Elmo") and the duties of the elder brother. It transpires several children in his nursery school are elder brothers and sisters, and consider it a grave, yet exciting, responsibility. 

Twins are not common in Asgard, and frequently only one is chosen to be kept. Loki worries again about the possibility of foisting monstrous offspring upon his unsuspecting family. It turns out that twins are considered delightful here on Midgard, even when one is a boy and one a girl and they therefore are not expected to wear identical garb. Kenneth was named before his appearance, was always Kenneth, but the twins have to be seen first. Pepper, whose choice for their firstborn Loki did not object to in any way, seems to feel badly that Loki has no one at all whose name he would like to give to one of their children. 

Not quite no one. The girl, at his mild insistence, is named Virginia, although this quickly turns into Ginger for everyday use, and suits her reddish-gold hair. Pepper is mildly amused that the dog, whose name is Susie, has the most human name of the females in the family. Loki had not noticed.

The boy is a bit of a puzzlement, until Loki remembers that humans frequently have a second given name and asks what Tony Stark's is. Edward becomes Teddy, and the family is complete. 

There is an extended period of… it would be hard to call it peace, with three children and a dog -- and later another dog, Charlie, a waif brought home by the children -- underfoot, and jobs, and friends, and Tony Stark appearing at regular intervals, frequently bringing Captain America -- Steve -- with him, the two having formed a strong attachment, and Loki is relieved to realize his aversion to what was done to him by his brother by now has no influence on how he feels about this man who seems to make Tony so happy. The twins are quicker than Kenneth about almost everything, but they take after their mother, they are kind, all three, and the three find their own childish ways to make three work. It has been a long time since a friendly hand on his shoulder made Loki flinch with dread.

It would be hard to call it peace, but that is the closest word that fits. 

The only real clouds are the dreams. Loki still dreams of his lost son, wonders what he looks like, remembers the Aesir and the Jotun age differently than mortals and wonders even how old he appears to be.

That thought is responsible for the other dreams, the ones in which Loki remains young, practically immortal, while his wife and children age and fade and die around him and leave him alone again forever. When he wakes from those dreams, Pepper no longer asks him why he is crying. 

Aside from those clouds, which cannot be altered and so must be endured, Loki's life is more full and more fulfilling than he ever dreamed possible, not in his most hopeful imaginings. 

It is, therefore, a shock beyond horror, the day Thor shows up. 

Kenneth is nine, the twins nearly six. It is Halloween, thank goodness, so Thor's attire needs little explanation. Loki is actually putting the finishing touches on his own kids' costumes (he has long since adopted Midgardian nomenclature: he is Daddy, and his children are the kids), is getting ready to leave the house accompanied by a bunny rabbit, a robot, and a pirate queen, when he looks at the end of the walkway and Thor is standing on the sidewalk. 

Loki's voice remains calm, mostly, when he calls to Pepper to take the kids back into the house, please. He adjusts his opera cloak, because Daddy is a vampire, though not a very scary one, he looks mostly like he loves to count things, and goes down the walk to see what Asgard wants of him now. 

He is halfway to his… brother… when it crosses his mind that something has happened to the child, that lost boy child whose name he does not even know. This fear is accompanied both by a lancing feeling of pain, and the horrified conviction that Thor intends to take him back to Asgard and try to force him to produce another. He cannot, for the moment, decide whether it would be worse for his children to see their father kidnapped out of their front yard, or murdered as he resists. 

"Hello, Thor," he says simply, and wonders how Thor found him, remembers he has not been trying very hard to conceal his tracks lately, remembers Heimdall was always quicker to give his word than to keep it. "To what do I owe this pleasure?"

" _Your_ son," Thor says, and really, that is a low blow, completely unfair, "has been asking about you."

"Has he?" Loki replies, trying for indifference, trying not to let Thor see how much that thought hurts him, he has been lonely enough himself before now that he hates to think of his child being lonely. 

What he hates even more is the thought of his child watching his face and feeling the trickle of resentment that would lie under his every glance. There is no good answer here, no real solution to the problem, though he is not surprised that Thor would come and lay it at his feet as though he was the only one responsible. 

"Yes," Thor says. And then, softly, he adds, "Father… does not care for him. He feels it very much."

Loki sighs. " _Of course_ Father does not care for him, Thor. He is my get, and half-Jotun. _Caring for_ him had nothing to do with his birth, nothing to do with anything."

Thor has to know this will not end well, but he tries anyway, and perhaps that is in his favour, perhaps he loves his son and wants to help him and that is why he is here: "If you would only come back-- "

Loki is already shaking his head. He is a little surprised not to feel more revulsion at the nearness of his former tormenter, who before that was the brother he loved so much, but he knows if he thinks about it the revulsion and anger will return. 

"No. This is not a problem of my making, and I have no solution for you. I cannot--" It occurs to him that it is not only that he cannot, truly cannot, it is also that he has the _right_ \-- "I _will not_ help you. I did not create this predicament. I am sorry beyond words for this child, and I know better than you could possibly understand how he feels, but if I went back I would only make matters worse."

Thor tries again, and now he is beginning to sound like Thor, like Asgard, the way Loki remembers him, and all sympathy flees: 

"You have a _responsibility_ \--"

"Yes," Loki interrupts, "several. Beyond number, actually. Here."

"With some mortal woman," Thor completes the thought for him, and there is scorn in his voice. It's amusing, really, answers a question Loki used to wonder about sometimes, on the occasions when Thor left him alone for a few days: was Thor's attachment to _his_ mortal woman genuine? Perhaps it was, merely of short duration. Loki used to wonder, when Thor disappeared, whether he had gone to her-- he was not jealous, merely curious, wondering whether his brother ever told his woman what he was doing for Asgard, and who he was doing it to.

"With a very particular mortal woman, yes," Loki replies calmly. He even feels calm, he has started to realize Thor came here with guilt and responsibility as his weapons, not violence, he does not plan to force Loki, although he does not understand why Loki will not drop everything and run back to Asgard to help him. "Your son has all Asgard to care for him," Loki says, although as he says it he realizes it is not true, Asgard does not truly care for anyone, everyone there is as alone as everyone else. "My place is not and never has been there."

Thor opens his mouth to speak again and from behind Loki, Pepper's voice-- he did not hear her leave the house, does not know how long she has been standing at his back-- Pepper's voice says, 

"You need to leave."

There are no threats she can offer Thor, unless Tony Stark is very nearby as Iron Man, but she is not intimidated by the son of Asgard, does not seem to care for his power. She makes the statement as plain fact: there is nothing for him here. He needs to leave. 

And, incredibly, Thor sees this. Perhaps he has learned something over these years, or perhaps he sees something in Pepper that makes him pause. 

Thor looks from Loki to Pepper and back, and fires his last weapon: "Enjoy your life while you can. Your magic was not the only thing bound by Father before you left us." 

Loki cannot begin to imagine what this threat might mean, but he refuses to bend before it. As Thor turns, however, he thinks to ask:

"Your son. What is his name?"

"Magni," replies Thor. " _Your_ son's name is Magni."

Loki nods. "Tell Magni that I think of him often."

And he and Pepper walk back into the house. 

It is some months later before he learns what Thor's last words mean, what else Odin has left bound:

He is brushing his teeth at the end of the day, Ginger and Teddy beside him at the next sink, elbowing each other off a stool, when he sees something glint at his temple. He leans forward to look more closely and finds…

…A silver hair. 

This gives him pause, because in the normal run of things he would have centuries before him before he showed any signs at all of aging. But he peers at his temple and there is no mistake, his hair is beginning to show a little gray. 

Odin has bound not only his magic, but his immortality. He is, in effect, human. That is the burden of Thor's warning, that his punishment for refusing to return to Asgard will be a brief mortal lifespan and then death. 

He puts down his toothbrush. Down the hall he can hear Pepper and Kenneth in their eldest son's room, laying out his clothes for the morning, discussing which sweatshirt he will wear. Beside him, at his elbow, are the twins, Ginger with her red head, Teddy's so dark. His wife, who will not grow old without him, and leave him young and desolate. His children, who will never look like his grandparents, who will watch him age, and brighten his last days, and will bury him instead of the other way around. 

He thinks of Odin, who for so long he believed to be the wisest being in the Nine Realms, and knows this is punishment, is intended as punishment, and he wonders whether Odin ever had any wisdom at all. 

When Pepper comes in to check on the twins' progress with their bedtime ablutions, she is unable to explain to them why their father is laughing.


End file.
